Depression & Things Left By The Wayside

I have suffered from many bouts of quite severe depression over the course of my life. Things are going pretty well right now (well, better than they have been), on that front, but they haven't always been that way, and as some may have inferred from my lack of posting this year, it hasn't always been so good recently. One of the common symptoms of depression is a cessation of doing what you once enjoyed, and over the years, my hobbies have diminished, and each time as I emerge from depression, while I tend to take up a few new hobbies once in a while, so many of the things I lost in the bout of depression stay gone. 

I've just been rummaging through old notebooks and diaries, of which I have quite a few - even before blogging I've often documented myself, not for the gaze of any readership, but as a way of preserving the memory events when my own memory is unfortunately rather fallible, and has been since childhood. I have lost so many memories of my own life, faded away too soon, so now I try and document it digitally and in more old-fashioned ways.  I've re-read accounts of photography expeditions to beautiful ruins, music practice logs detailing a 4hr to 7hr a day practice schedule, the book in which I would carefully staple the poetry I wrote on receipt scraps while working in a supermarket, the daily diaries I wrote, etc. A lot of that is currently missing from my life, and I often complain of being bored and miserable - no wonder! I no longer do a lot of what I enjoyed. 

I will try and take more photographs - and write notes once more in the lined hardback book which contains snippets of technical knowledge I have since forgotten. I will try and keep a diary each evening, as every day has some element of interest to it, however minor. I will try and practice music for at least an hour a day, and write it down in my practice logs (once carefully written in different coloured inks for each instrument I learnt, with a breakdown of what I did during practice and what needed work, and what had improved, with notes of duration of practice and a daily tally), I will try and write poetry again, however awful, and revisit old poems with a view to improving them, etc. 

There are other things that have left my life - I don't do as much archery as I did (and never photographed the quiver I made!), I don't paint or draw half as much as I did, or write as much music. I will also try to live more of a life that is worthy of being written down in ink into my (leather-bound, black, embossed, classic) diary and illustrated in quaint cartoons and hasty sketches,  rather than one that is repetitive and introspective and lived so inwardly. I need to do more, have a few more adventures, and find ways around being bound by transport and funds and lead more of the sort of life that reflected who I was and the creativity that currently remains latent, dormant, and needs waking up. 

Forcing myself to do things rather than remain in my cocoon is something I have to do. It feels easier and safer to dither away on the internet, or sit quietly in the corner and read, or even watch television, but it doesn't help - all it does is add to the guilt that I am wasting my life on not being productive. If I do something, even something as small as writing this, at least I feel that I have been at least a little bit productive, and that makes me at least a little bit happier, and the happier I am, the more enthusiasm I have to do more stuff! 

Red Blouse, Black Suit: A Work Outfit

✥ Spiders On My Jacket ✥

This week is Red and Black Week, a blogging event organised by the wonderful Victorian Kitty of ::Sophistique Noir::. I'm starting my posts on the theme with a work outfit. Looking darkly stylish in the work-place is Sophistique Noir's speciality, so I thought I would do a post on the subject as my first entry for this theme. This is pretty much my style for most days at work. It has rarely got warm enough for me to not wear a blazer of some sort. Sometimes I even wear a v-neck of some sort over my blouse for extra warmth! It is early june, and this is today's work outfit - a trouser suit, warm vest beneath, and a blouse.

See, I can be business-like and such - I'm not all frills!
Photograph by Raven

One side only replaced to show difference.
Blame me for the bad photo.

The trouser suit started off as a rather dull suit from Tesco. It had hideous buttons - cheap plastic copies of real regimental buttons. I felt that the cheap reproductions, and their place on a non-military, non-regimental jacket was disrespectful as well as unsightly, so I removed them and replaced them with some art-deco buttons that remind me of Spider Man's logo. The new buttons are spidery enough to appease my liking of creepy-crawlies as decorative motifs, but abstract (and with too many legs) so are not too obviously spiders, and not too Gothic for the work place. Since I have modified this blazer - and switching buttons is an easy and very minor modification - I have incorporated this jacket into several outfits, some of which were far removed from work-place style!

I am aware my pen is upside down.
Photograph by Raven

My new ring

As it is red and black week, I thought I incorporate a few more dashes of red. I am allowed coloured nail-polish at work, as long as it is not too outlandish (no neon green, black, electric blue, etc.) and as red is a fairly acceptable colour for nails, I decided to give them a good coat of a shade similar to my blouse. In the photographs they appear a lot warmer in tone than the blouse, but the difference in reds is far less noticeable in person. I do take some of my rings off at work, for practical reasons. I did not used to do this, but with the warmer weather making my fingers expand, and with having been at my new job longer, I have decided that it is just more comfortable (as well as more professional looking) to remove some of my rings. I have, however, for this photograph, retained the ring on my right little finger with the red stone. This is a new ring I bought myself as a congratulatory present when I received my first pay-cheque from my new job. It is too large and too easily caught to actually wear to work, though. 

Attempting to look like I am paying attention and taking notes.

Photograph by Raven.

The notebook is black and white flock in a damask pattern, bought from a mainstream retailer (WH Smith, I think). I like accessorising according to my aesthetics outside of clothes and jewellery, such as in my notebooks, laptop covers, etc. My next plan is to get the vine-patterned black metal cut-out design office equipment - e.g letter rack, stationary tidies, waste-paper basket, magazine files, etc. Currently my mug is black gloss with white matt vines. I feel that it is quite possible to make every aspect of work life stylish but still professional. A key element in being Goth at work is keeping things within mainstream boundaries and from mainstream sources, but to balance that with an aesthetic that is in keeping with your tastes. I think it is best to be more minimalistic and sleek than normal, and to cut down on the kitsch aspects (no plastic skulls, stick-on spiders or gaudy patterns for me) but that is just my opinion.