Starting University, Update Schedule, And The Future

Monday was my first day at University smile emoticon I have been ridiculously happy these last two days. The more I hear about the course I am on, the happier I am. A few years ago, studying any part of the field of architecture seemed beyond me; some mysterious technical skills and art that would forever be out of my reach. I didn't think I could go to university, and I didn't think I was good enough to get in as a mature student. Now, I'm actually starting!

 I get to spend the next four years on a subject I have a huge, obsessive passion for. I can get excited about hollow tiles for cladding and their insulation/heat transfer properties, I can get excited about how a three-story atrium works visually like a cathedral nave, I can get excited about weight distribution and support in complex curves, and all these things I get to learn about how they work. All that technical, structural, practical stuff about /how buildings work/ that I find fascinating is something I actually will have as my main focus, hopefully for the rest of my days! It's amazing! I can't believe it's actually happening. I will hopefully finally get to dedicate the rest of my life to stuff that is awesome, and I've got it because I've worked for it. I'm really proud of how far I've got, and I'm fully aware of how much nose-to-the-grindstone work I have ahead of me, but I also know that if I put in the effort I will get what I want. 

A lot of stuff has stood in my way in life, I've had to deal with a pretty bad start and a lot of neurological and mental health issues, and I've had to deal with some truly awful people, but I've got past that. My friends have helped, my Dad and my sister have helped, Raven has helped, and I don't want to ignore their contribution too. There was a time when I didn't have many friends (if any), where I didn't have much at all in the way of support, where it seemed like all I had was problems on every front, and prejudices and hatred surrounded me; but I fought through that, and won my life for myself, and even better I met some super-duper people the other side. I won't be as active as I was before on my blog, but I won't be ignoring you; it's just that now that I have this opportunity, I will need to make the most of it. I didn't think this was something that would ever be accessible to me; I didn't think this would be something I would actually get to do.

 But it's real. 

And now I have to work really hard to keep it, and make everything flourish. I might not be around much for a while, but I haven't forgotten you all!

University, Life and Questions

Hello dear readers! I know I haven't been posting much recently, and I wish to apologise. At the end of last year, I applied to university to study Architectural Technology, and last month I had my interview. Overall, the interview was positive, but because I am entering as a mature student and did not do all of the required subjects at school and college (they weren't even an option where I studied!) I am now having to work very hard to put together a digital technical drawing portfolio to prove I can do what is necessary to keep up with the course. This has to be my priority, so please be understanding that between now and May (when I have a second interview, present my portfolio and take an exam) that I will be extremely busy and not posting much on this blog. I really, really hope I get in; all my long-term readers will know I have a real passion for architecture (that leaks over into everything else I do) and now that I have a proper opportunity to study, I really hope that I can take it. 

In the meanwhile, please note that I am still accumulating material to post over the summer, and making the first motions of some travel plans for the summer, and plans for blog content. I am also always happy to answer questions (just note that there might be a delay in my answering comments and questions) and while my blog is partly here to communicate my experience as a Romantic, Goth, Witch and alternative person, I think it is very important that I am helpful and informative. I like helping less experienced Goths who are just getting started, I like helping other Goths who are just looking for resources, and I like helping non-Goths to learn about what Goth is really like. I recently got an e-mail from a student who was doing a project involving writing about Goth, and I was really happy to be asked, and shared not just what I'd written, but lots of links and other resources (books, there's plenty of good books!). I will help with what I can help with, but I will also be upfront if I don't know the answer to something. 

<mini rant> I get a bit annoyed with bloggers who get angry when people ask them reasonable questions; if you put yourself out there and share your experiences via a publicly viewable blog accessible to anyone with access to a search engine, you do not get to control your audience and have it only of people who know as much as you. If you want to control your audience, use something like LiveJournal and have only certain people you select able to see your blog. With any blog, there will be people who want to know more, and people who will ask you questions, even if your blog is primarily an online diary. It is not only polite to respond kindly, even if it is with "I am sorry, but I do not know the answer" or "I am not the best person to ask; please refer to <insert resource here>  as they may be able to help you better", but being rude alienates people who are clearly interested in your field/subculture/topic/etc. and makes you look like a bad person, and the community associated with whatever you are blogging about look bad, like they are cold and unwelcoming people, as people tend to generalise based on the first people of a group they have significant interaction with.  One could argue that in typed conversation online, where there is no tone of voice, no physical proximity, and only emoticons and gifs to display the nuances of facial expression and body language, that it is even more important to be clear and polite in your communications. </mini rant>. 

Stereotyping From Within The Subculture And Inclusivity: Part 1 - Financial Snobbery.

Firstly, happy Independence Day to my American readership. Have fun, enjoy barbecues and pyrotechnics if you are into that sort of thing!

I was reading ::this:: post by Fee over at 'An Honest Drug' and the posts she linked to - Nicolette Mason writing on IFB ::here:: it got me thinking about inclusivity in the Goth subculture in general, and about how I think certain stereotypes are being perpetuated within the online Gothic community. I think how Goth represents itself online is very important as a lot of Goths, especially younger Goths who don't have access to the clubs and gigs of the adult Goth scene, rely on the internet for a connection to the broader Goth scene.

I am going to try and avoid simply repeating what has already been said about those who blog commercially having various pressures around them to adopt mainstream values and deviate from their image (basically, a pressure to 'sell out' to some degree, like with any creative industry) partly because it is too general for the audience of this blog and my interests, and partly because I simply don't like repeating what others can say better.  

I have tried to debunk mostly stereotypes imposed on Goth from the outside, such as Goths not being a subculture of depression (to be found at ::this:: post) and Goth not being an inherently middle-class subculture (to be found at  ::this:: post) to my being an example of the fact that Goths are not all teenagers and we do grow up and get proper jobs while remaining alternative. What I have not spent much attention to, though, are the stereotypes perpetuated within the subculture.

The first one I would like to debunk is that you have to spend lots of money on clothes, trinkets and generally applying the Goth aesthetic to your entire lifestyle, and that the flashier, more ornate clothes you have and the amount of times you can go to Gothic festivals (especially if you're travelling across Europe and America to go to them) can somehow dictate how Goth you are. I have mentioned this tangentially in various past posts about being a Goth on a budget. (::Here::, ::here:: and ::here::, for example) but you do not need to be rich to be Goth any more than you need to come from a middle-class background or be middle-class (as these are all tied to socio-economic status).  This is basic snobbery, and Goth is not run by the Goth oligarchy, because Goth has no leaders.

I am tackling this first, because as followers of my blog may well know, I am not very well off - my job is part-time and barely covers the rent, and to contribute towards utilities, taxes and bills I have to busk in my local city (followers of the Domesticated Goth page on FaceBook will know I do this). Currently money is very tight, and as I have mentioned before, I may well have some big life changes ahead, and I am not feeling that financially secure at the moment. I certainly feel a little left out when I see the beautiful gowns from WGT showcased on Viona Art, for example, or when I get the newsletters and FaceBook updates from my favourite alternative craftspeople and sellers and would like to purchase their wares and know that I can't even afford the sale items right now.

Nobody has been obviously and outwardly snobbish towards me, but I can't help but feel that I and my Gothy endeavours get more than slightly less attention than that of some of my wealthier comrades in Goth who get photographed seemingly endlessly in their finery at festivals, seem to be constantly updating their blogs and FB feeds with haul posts and product reviews and always seem to be slightly better dressed and slightly fancier than I can be. I cannot be honest without saying that I am a tad jealous, and I don't like being a jealous person, or feeling like there's a climate within the community that is contributing towards that jealousy.

I think it is important for me, and for other Goths not to get too caught up in this sort of materialism and commercialisation of the subculture. Independent craftspeople are certainly the lifeblood of the subculture, and buying their wares is certainly far better than buying mass-market stuff aimed at our demographic by large businesses who are not part of the subculture and don't care about it, but we shouldn't judge each other or ourselves on how much we buy, regardless of where those things come from. Your spending power is not a mark of dedication to the subculture. In some ways, I guess the percentage of one's income spent on the subculture could be seen as mark of dedication, as it shows the level of investment of one's resources, but compared to the time spent on and within the subculture, and one's contribution to it, even that sort of monetary marker is largely irrelevant.

Another factor is that having more money allows for a more polished internet presence - better quality photographs taken on cameras rather than poor-resolution phone cams (like on my old smart-phone), a larger wardrobe of more expensive and fancy clothes, and often less pressures on time for those who earn enough from one job to not be running about between various sources of income, etc. Some have even paid graphic designers and professional photographers, etc.

If you have money it is easier to produce higher quality content, but it is not the only way. I am lucky in that I can get Raven to photograph me sometimes, and the difference between his work, even on an off day, and my best selfies is staggering.  I know a little about web-design, and sometimes have days where I can spend days tweaking the Domesticated page, so I hope that my blog here is good from a design perspective (although comments and critique on this are always appreciated, and I know I need to update both the photo gallery and the site map) so while I don't have money to spend on high-end cameras, and while I'm not paid to model, I still have a few good images here and a relatively aesthetically pleasing blog.

Yes, this might attract readers, but it is the product of handwork, careful investment and a lot of hours, and not of a large budget, and as I have mentioned in my various posts on being Goth on a budget, there are plenty of ways to apply "time and effort" as a way to get a polished Gothic lifestyle in real life, and not just the internet, and as I would like to re-iterate, I think it is time and effort that prove real dedication the subculture, not how much one spends on it. There are many teens who have gone through a Goth phase that has not lasted who amassed lovely collections of Goth things because their parents bought them these things - and while there is nothing wrong with Goth being a transient phase for some, and I am not bitter towards those whose parents could buy them such things, to them Goth was not going to be a factor in the rest of their lives. I am quite grateful for the existence of these people, for when they leave Goth often they sell their things cheaply on eBay or donate them to charity, and I then end up with them at a price I can afford!

As Goth is a subculture with many of its own values being outside of the parent cultures, yet being influenced by them, we should try and be self-aware of how much we adopt the more negative values of the parent cultures when, in having our own subculture, we have greater freedom to adopt our own. Any kind of materialistic snobbery is something I think we should avoid, especially when younger Goths feel like they cannot participate because they cannot buy or have bought for them elaborate clothes and masses of black candles.

Yes, the dark and macabre have become more commercial and mainstream, and in some ways this is a sign that we are gradually becoming more acceptable to the mainstream (that itself is another topic for debate) but just because these things are available does not mean we have to buy them, and it does not mean that our subculture should stray too far from its Punk, working-class roots, and from the DIY attitude that spawned a lot of it. Early Goths may have had to be resourceful and thrift-shopping DIY-ers out of necessity, but even if we have everything from Hot Topic to Lip Service and Hell Bunny via Hysteria Machine, ::Kambriel:: and ::Merimask:: but that does not mean that the resourcefulness and craft skills of early Goths are not things to embrace and inherently worthwhile and valuable. I admire a Goth (or Lolita, or whatever) who can sew their own finery more than one who can simply buy it.  

I have noticed that DIY and crafting blogs tend to be especially popular if they have budget projects, and many of those are written by people who DIY due to financial constraints, so while the bloggers must have at least access to the internet (although that could be a friend's internet or library/municipal internet access), there is a space for poorer bloggers in the Goth blogosphere and I am glad when people are reasonably open about being on a budget, because I think it makes other poorer Goths feel like they are still part of the subculture and they're not alone or shameful because of this. Class and wealth is a HUGE divide in the wider world, and an insidious part of many other prejudices, and I feel like it is the sort of insidious thing I do NOT want to see take hold within our subculture.

An aside: I tend to avoid discussing politics and on my blog because it is off-topic and could easily derail what I am trying to do here, but the financial and resource inequality of our world is something that makes me vastly angry, and how all sorts of other prejudices are spread by those who wish to perpetuate that inequality for their own gain. I see too much "divide and conquer" perpetrated by those that see it as a means to profit and power, and too much advertising fosters a sense of self loathing to create a market for products that remedy made-up flaws.

We should be proud of our own creations, show-case them on our blogs, and when we see other Goths online and in real life, use their resourcefulness, ingenuity and creative skills to be fabulous and interesting, mention that - not in a patronising way, of course - because it is the sort of positive thing that ought to be reinforced and often the sort of thing that is quite admirable in many ways. I know I do my best to be a resourceful and creative Goth and to help others with that, but there are many who out-do me by far. Remember that Goth came from Punk, and that poverty is not shameful for the poor  -especially in a world where many countries have gone into recession in the last 5 years and where so many people have fallen beneath the poverty line. The only people who should be ashamed of poverty are those in power, both financial and governmental, that have allowed and encouraged such a world of inequity. 

You do not need a huge wardrobe of the fanciest anachronistic Goth clothes, three pairs of New Rock boots for every season, every Goth album ever on MP3, CD and vinyl, and to go to every club night and festival in a thousand mile radius to be a 'proper Goth'. You just need to love what is macabre, dress spooky, love some music from a more sombre sort of rock and see the beauty in darkness - spending power is irrelevant. 

Depression & Things Left By The Wayside

I have suffered from many bouts of quite severe depression over the course of my life. Things are going pretty well right now (well, better than they have been), on that front, but they haven't always been that way, and as some may have inferred from my lack of posting this year, it hasn't always been so good recently. One of the common symptoms of depression is a cessation of doing what you once enjoyed, and over the years, my hobbies have diminished, and each time as I emerge from depression, while I tend to take up a few new hobbies once in a while, so many of the things I lost in the bout of depression stay gone. 

I've just been rummaging through old notebooks and diaries, of which I have quite a few - even before blogging I've often documented myself, not for the gaze of any readership, but as a way of preserving the memory events when my own memory is unfortunately rather fallible, and has been since childhood. I have lost so many memories of my own life, faded away too soon, so now I try and document it digitally and in more old-fashioned ways.  I've re-read accounts of photography expeditions to beautiful ruins, music practice logs detailing a 4hr to 7hr a day practice schedule, the book in which I would carefully staple the poetry I wrote on receipt scraps while working in a supermarket, the daily diaries I wrote, etc. A lot of that is currently missing from my life, and I often complain of being bored and miserable - no wonder! I no longer do a lot of what I enjoyed. 

I will try and take more photographs - and write notes once more in the lined hardback book which contains snippets of technical knowledge I have since forgotten. I will try and keep a diary each evening, as every day has some element of interest to it, however minor. I will try and practice music for at least an hour a day, and write it down in my practice logs (once carefully written in different coloured inks for each instrument I learnt, with a breakdown of what I did during practice and what needed work, and what had improved, with notes of duration of practice and a daily tally), I will try and write poetry again, however awful, and revisit old poems with a view to improving them, etc. 

There are other things that have left my life - I don't do as much archery as I did (and never photographed the quiver I made!), I don't paint or draw half as much as I did, or write as much music. I will also try to live more of a life that is worthy of being written down in ink into my (leather-bound, black, embossed, classic) diary and illustrated in quaint cartoons and hasty sketches,  rather than one that is repetitive and introspective and lived so inwardly. I need to do more, have a few more adventures, and find ways around being bound by transport and funds and lead more of the sort of life that reflected who I was and the creativity that currently remains latent, dormant, and needs waking up. 

Forcing myself to do things rather than remain in my cocoon is something I have to do. It feels easier and safer to dither away on the internet, or sit quietly in the corner and read, or even watch television, but it doesn't help - all it does is add to the guilt that I am wasting my life on not being productive. If I do something, even something as small as writing this, at least I feel that I have been at least a little bit productive, and that makes me at least a little bit happier, and the happier I am, the more enthusiasm I have to do more stuff! 

New Year!

Happy New Year everybody! 

Click this pic!

I have New Year's Resolutions, and I have tried to pick ones that I can actually do, with measurable targets and realistic goals. None of this abstract stuff that's too wishy washy to stick to, and nothing too impossible either. I have 13 New Year's Resolutions as it is the year 2013. 

I am entering this post in Sophistique Noir's monthly theme. It's not an outfit post, but hopefully it's suitable. One of the things I am trying to do on this blog is cut down on outfit posts; I don't want this to become just another fashion blog. There will still be photographs, just fewer of my clothes.

❅ Sporty Resolutions

Sport used to be a much bigger part of my life than it is now, and I now have this gap where it used to be. I'm not quite as fit as I used to be, too. It's not just missing the actual activities themselves, I miss the social aspect, especially with the roller derby girls.

1)Get back into roller derby!

I stopped going to Derby because I simply couldn't afford it. I've decided to make sure I re-adjust my budgeting (including walking more so I spend less on transport, which is part of another resolution...) to have enough for one session of Derby per week, and to put all loose change in my Gear Fund. I've got most of my own protective gear (am picking up a nice neon green helmet soon! whee!) but I can't afford my own skates. I've been using stuff from the team gear pool, and I feel like a cheap-skate (pardon the terrible pun.)

2)Walk more. 

Theoretically I could walk my commute to work and do 15 miles of walking per day. I could also walk from work into town for my lunch, and walk back again. Actually, that part I often do! Anyway, in winter I am awfully tempted by that £9.50 for 7 day's unlimited bus journeys around the city, and try and maximise that ticket's value for money by going places by bus, out of the cold and rain, instead of walking. This is a bit lazy. Obviously, if there is a howling gale and driving rain, I will probably still take the bus, but if it's just grey or drizzly, I am going to walk more.

3)Join an archery club again.

I have posted before about my love of archery, and am wanting to get back into the sport. I really miss it! I've heard that there is another local club, and that they have indoor archery in winter, and outdoor archery in summer, and apparently they have space for new members.

4)Join a Gym.

I know this is a common goal, and most people don't stick it out past january, but looking at my funds, I won't be able to afford this until April, anyway. I am quite an active person anyway, and am not looking to "get fit", I'm looking to address certain specific things in order to improve my performance at the sports I do. 

5)Join a new martial arts class.

When I lived in England, I was learning Chen style Taijiquan and really enjoyed it. In Inverness there is an exercise and relaxation type Taiji class, but no martial Taijiquan class. There is, however a Wing Tsun class; I know how Wing Tsun split away from Wing Chun and how while there are a few similarities, it has quite different principals to Taijiquan, and suchlike, but it still looks interesting. There is also a Kung Fu place that does a variety of Chinese martial arts, but the classes are completely out of my price range. 

❅ Life Resolutions

These are more general resolutions, for everyday life. There's not really a theme to them, there just things I want to do over the year.

1) Budget better

I sometimes impulse buy, and quite frequently get lost as to what is incoming and what is out-going. When my outgoings exceed my income, this becomes a problem. I have set up, with lots of help from my Dad, a spreadsheet that should really help with this.

2)Make Sure Raven & I Have 1 Date-Night Per Month. 

We both work, we both lead busy lives, we often are both really tired in the evening, and it ends up with neither of us really wanting to cook, and both of us engrossed in our computers or a book, or some other form of minimal-effort entertainment. Putting aside some time connect more seems like a good idea, and having a specific 'date night' means that it's a scheduled enjoyable event we can look forwards to, especially when work or other things in life get stressful.

3)Go Out And Socialise More. 

I am REALLY outgoing once you get to know me, but I'm... actually a bit shy and awkward in person with new people. I'm quiet, and tend not to open conversations, but I'm friendly enough with most people, if they talk to me, but even if we do talk, I rarely talk to people again. I'm friendly with everyone, but friends with too few. Most of my good friends, my really good friends, are either in England or Wales, and hundreds of miles from where I am now. I've been here nearly a year and a half, and yet I don't have very many friends up here. 

4)Restart My Daily Gratitudes

I used to write a list of 10 things I was thankful for, everyday. This was something I did to take my attention away from things I wanted, and put it towards appreciating the things I already had. It sadly fell by the way side as a daily thing, and I would like to start doing it again. I would write the list 'blind' to the previous lists, and it was interesting to see what variety of things I came up with. I actually have a lot to be thankful for in life, but I often get quite miserable. Perhaps restarting the daily gratitudes will help me be a less miserable person.

5)Keep A Diary

Somewhere in the middle of last year, I stopped keeping a diary. I think I came to the conclusion that my days just were not interesting enough. Hopefully, if I work on making my days more interesting, I will write them down again! 

❅Blogging Resolutions

My last three resolutions are to do with blogging. There's a few things I can do to improve, and here are the first three I came up with. 

1) Put a new music post up every Monday

I liked my musical Monday idea, and I like doing showcase posts for bands I feel are not well-known or appreciated enough. I'm not one of those Goths who prides herself on the obscurity of my music knowledge; I figure that I should share good things I come across so that others can enjoy them. Goth is a subculture that thrives of creativity, and it should not be one dominated by a handful of big bands, because there's a lot of very good small bands, too!

2) Blog at least twice a week. 

I have been plagued by uncertainties and worries about blogging recently, and haven't had the motivation and inspiration to blog much. I hope to remedy my lack of blogging and post more. I think I will end up writing more opinion pieces. Fashion posts/outfit posts/decor posts seem to all be a bit of a cop-out from writing something more interesting and substantial. 

3) Link more to other blogs. 

There's some very interesting blogging out there, especially in terms of good craft tutorials. I will do a monthly round up of stuff I found that was interesting in terms of other bloggers. 

Hopefully I will do a reasonable job of keeping to my resolutions and I will update people with interesting developments on my blog.