Politeness and Goth Part 2: When Others Are Rude

This is a continuation of yesterday's post.

As Goths, we sadly receive a lot of negative and unwanted attention if we are visibly so in public, and  also sometimes from those we live, work and study with. The topics of how to deal with bullying at school, family that do not understand, and unpleasantness from co-workers have already been addressed by others in great depth; I thoroughly recommend reading the advice given at Gothic Charm School.  Here I am giving advice on not countering rudeness with rudeness. In life I have found that in the end, you are stooping to their level and it is better to take the higher ground, but rather than asking you take my word for that, I feel like I ought to elaborate. 

Firstly, there are those who shout abuse at Goths in public. Please do NOT shout and swear at strangers who make rude comments in the street. It is understandable to be angry if (or sadly, and more likely, "when") you get street harassment for being Goth, but retaliation does not help, and remember that once you react, people like that will try and provoke further reaction. Also, if you react and get involved in some kind of argument, there's the risk of it escalating. My advice is to walk on, don't even turn to look at them, and get yourself to a safer place. It is usually teenagers and young men (but also young women, just a higher percentage are male) in groups who do this, and their motivation is to show off to their friends, and to get some kind of reaction from who they harass, and they will generally be rude to anyone that has anything about them that distinguishes them. 

Yes, their words and sentiments are wrong, yes you may feel that you ought to stand up for yourself and your subculture, but your words will not discourage them, or change their minds, and in reacting to them, you are giving them what they want; a spectacle. If they are particularly aggressive, report antisocial behaviour to the police. In my experience, the police in the UK tend to respond actually remarkably sensibly without much victim blaming to these incidents, especially since the work of the Sophie Lancaster Foundation to work with police on the matter of street harassment for those in alternative subcultures. 

Remember that whatever they say is designed to provoke and upset the person they are harassing, and therefore do not dwell on their words and try not to let them trouble you. I have years of practice at this, so to me mean words have pretty much no impact, mostly because I know that I am doing no wrong, but they are.  It takes a while to become impervious to those who try and make a mockery, and some people never do, but even if you are upset, try not to let them see it has affected you. 

Do not try and scare people.

I think that deliberately setting out to scare and shock people is unkind, and really not a productive use of time, even with - no, especially - with people who have a problem with your Goth self. It can be so tempting to indulge in deliberate theatrics when faced with people who think you are a Devil-worshipping vampire-witch, but it is ultimately unproductive, and can sometimes be very counter-productive. 

An examples of this from my life:

When I was young and naive about the world, I tried feeding the rumours already being spread about me being a witch as a strategy to scare off the bullies at school, but then it back-fired when adults around me either thought this as confirmation that I was indeed an evil witch, or thought that I was a delusional attention seeker and other such things that caused me far more trouble than the bullies, and it did not stop the bullying; learn from my mistakes - I've heard of other babybats attempting that sort of thing, and it rarely ever works. I am pretty ashamed of how I behaved, and how stupid I was thinking it might work, but if it means that other people don't make the same mistakes, I am willing to share what I did publicly. 

I also don't think it is sensible to counter intolerance and prejudice by deliberately being defiantly as  Gothic and different as possible. I have myself been very tempted to employ this tactic against someone who spent much time during my teenage years trying to get me to be 'normal' by badgering me, ranting at me, complaining to others in my life, etc. and all to no avail as I am inherently different and changing me simply isn't possible.  While showing to that sort of person that there is no way you are going to change and that you are proud to be who you are is satisfying, there is no point emphatically making a big and conspicuous display of it; simply carry on as you are and ignore them as you still make your point without trying to provoke. Antagonising them in return will not achieve anything, but will only further entrench their beliefs, as people tend to become stubborn and defensive if they feel they are being openly challenged. It can be hard to walk away, and it is understandable to become angry, defensive and defiant yourself, but if reasoning with them calmly does not work, then other tactics will not either; you cannot force someone to realise or admit that they are wrong. 

I will be posting again tomorrow with more Goth advice, and later this week I will post about my adventures this weekend past.

If you have specific question, you can contact me privately by my Domesticated Goth e-mail address at: 

domesticatedgoth[symbole arrobase]gmail[point]com or by messaging the ::Domesticated Goth page:: on FaceBook

Politeness And Goth Part 1: Why Be Polite?

In many ways, I feel like I shouldn't have to write this, and that everyone should be polite and well-mannered anyway, but the world doesn't work like that, sadly. A lot of rudeness gets directed at us Goths by people who are prejudiced, judgemental, and ignorant of who we are, but sometimes we Goths don't act politely either. 

I know that Goth, as an offshoot of Punk, has its roots in a subculture that used profanity, rudeness and shock tactics as means of political and societal protest, but Goth was a departure from Punk, and most of us are not engaged in a countercultural protest, in fact quite a few of us, myself included, are quite keen to point that our dress and lifestyle is not an act of deliberate rebellion, that we aren't trying to be some sort of non-conformists, or acting like this for any kind of audience or attention, but rather that we are just have a different set of tastes and values than the mainstream. 

Anyway, when wider society has a negative opinion of us anyway, confirming that opinion by acting rudely does not really shock; it is far more unsettling for us to be pleasant, nice people because then that forces them to confront that their pre-conception was wrong, and depending on what sort of framework of notions about the world that this pre-conception rested on, forces them to confront to some degree the under-pinning ideas. Jillian Venters of the amazing ::Gothic Charm School:: calls this concept 'subversion by politeness' and it was reading her articles that gave me something to coalesce my own ideas about this topic. 

If you go out dressed visibly Goth, then people will, on some level, see you as representative of the subculture as a whole. If they associated Goth-looking (and most mainstream people can only do a best-guess at subcultures from appearance) people with rudeness and anti-social behaviour, then it will reflect badly on the rest of us, even those that are not involved - also, people tend to assume that all local Goths know each other (I very frequently get strangers ask me if I know someone specific because that person is also Goth... I'm pretty well connected to the local subculture, but I don't know every Goth between Fort William and Aberdeen!) and therefore if you do something that upsets people, that can have repercussions on other local Goths, or if over the internet, Goths in general. 

Being a polite can genuinely change people's perceptions of Goths, or at least the individual being polite. A while ago, before I moved to Scotland, I used to frequent a little cafe with Raven. I went there more than he did, because it was where I was living at the time, and he was still living in a different country! Anyway, we'd still go there whenever he came to visit, and I would go there in-between times for take-away hot drinks and rather yummy cakes. Initially the owner was a bit afraid of me; she saw someone who looked spooky, with a coffin-shaped hand-bag (apparently that was particularly spooky) and all the anachronistic fashion I usually wear, but then, because I was always friendly, polite and cheerful, she realised that I wasn't a scary person after all, just a spooky-looking eccentric, and neither was Raven. Raven and I made it a tradition that on the last day of his visits to me, we would go there for afternoon tea, complete with cakes, etc. and with regular custom began to build something of a rapport with the staff. I think this is part of why people like Jillian Venters of Gothic Charm School and I want to encourage good manners so much; when people assume the worst of you on sight, you have make it very obvious that the worst isn't true, and it can change people's minds about old assumptions. 

If it is likely that people assume the worst, then you have to put in a bit of extra effort into making the good parts of your personality shine through, because people's prejudices can blind them. I am not suggesting being fake, only that it is important to take into account how others around you will react, and to consider what will be the most beneficial course of action to all involved. 

Goth Hallowe'en Costumes

We are a subculture, not a costume.

It is not acceptable to dress up as a terrorist Muslim, it is not acceptable to dress up as a 'Squaw' (that word, by the way, is an insult to Native North American women) and it is not acceptable to dress up as a Chinese person with taped eyes and a coolie hat because these are all reducing groups of people to flat and sexualised or negative stereotypes and perpetuating those stereotypes. 

It's not acceptable to dress up in a skimpy 'Goth' costume with a bad wig, white face-paint and cheap plastic 'collar'. 

'Goth' costumes often present a sexualised (sexy-fied) stereotype of Goth, and one that errs on the 'Goths are people who think they are vampires' and 'Goths are slutty and into kinky sex' stereotypes a bit too much for comfort. There are also those who, like those who wear the racial stereotype costumes, wear them to mock those stereotypes, people who wear Goth costumes in a way that deliberately mock what they think Goths are. THAT really annoys me. 

I live the Goth subculture 24 hours a day; even my dreams run to the same aesthetic as everything else I do, even my work clothes err on the Gothic. I have Joy Division and Dead Can Dance on my headphones when I sit on the bus. I have spider-web loo-roll and black plates. To say I am passionate about my subculture is a bit of an understatement, and to know people use Hallowe'en as an excuse to mock us is... well irritating to say the least. Especially when Hallowe'en is often quite dear to Goths. 

Now, wearing a Goth outfit at Halloween isn't inherently inappropriate. I've actually helped a friend put together a proper Goth outfit at Halloween, but it consisted of clothes that would actually be considered Goth (from her wardrobe and mine) rather than a tacky and cheaply-made, store-bought costume, and she wore Goth makeup rather than white and black face-paint. Her intention was not to mock Goths, her outfit was based on what is authentically Goth in consultation with a Goth, and she wore her outfit as an opportunity to explore a different way of looking for a night. Yes, the idea that it can still be considered a 'costume' could still be grating to some, as to her it was something different to wear for a night and not a form of expressing her permanent inner self and subcultural affiliation, but I don't think that this was not done in any  malevolence and what she wore was actually Goth and not a tawdry parody of Goth.

I know we are not actually 'scary', but a lot of Halloween costumes these days are not based around spooks and ghouls - yes vampires, werewolves, witches and zombies are always popular, but I see people dressed up as nurses, ladybugs, bananas, super-heroes, etc. A costume that is trying portray Goths as a scary entity alongside the zombies, vampires, serial killers and monsters is not appropriate and perpetuates negative stereotypes, whereas a costume that portrays Goth as just a different look is not a problem. Goths often find inspiration in the stories of ghosts, vampires, werewolves and other supernatural horrors, but it does not mean we believe ourselves to be like them, or that we ourselves are dangerous. Our aesthetic often draws from the artwork and cinema surrounding such mythology, and our tendency to seek beauty in dark places does mean many of us particularly enjoy Hallowe'en as a festival of spooks, death, monsters, etc. 

Some of us may celebrate Samhain on the same day, a Pagan holy day, not because it is the Goth thing to do, but because there is significant overlap between the Pagan and Goth communities. 

Note for non-Goths: It is not funny, cute, or amusing to ask, and even ruder to shout, "It's not Hallowe'en yet!" at a Goth, or  "Hallowe'en was last week/month" at them. We know,  this is who we are every day, and you are mocking us. Even the politest Goths get tetchy when they field this supposed 'joke' endlessly.You look like a rude and unimaginative idiot, and not even the slightest bit funny when you crack these 'jokes'. 

I am aware that a lot of this is literally cut and paste from an earlier post I made on subcultural appropriation back in March, but I felt that this point would need repeating nearer Halloween itself, when those searching 'Goth Halloween Costume' may come across it. I did elaborate on it, too, so for those who read the previous version of this post, there are new bits to stop you getting too bored! 

Traditional Goth, Modern Goth and Scene Snobbery

Goth was a very different thing in the '80s. I wasn't a goth back then, and I wasn't even born yet for a lot of the '80s. What I can remember is vague - some things are clear, like footage on television of the Berlin Wall coming down and this being somehow Very Important even if I didn't understand why at the time - but most of what memories I do have are very vague.  I have been interested in the early days of the subculture for a long while, and from what I've learnt, it was a very different beast. Two things stand out: it was called Goth by outsiders, the media, etc. not necessarily by the people within, and it was primarily about the music. 

The fashion was rather different too, partly because Goth-specific off-the-rack clothes didn't exist and partly because a lot of inspiration came from what the bands wore, and what the bands wore was sometimes stuff that wouldn't be called 'Goth' at all today (and if it was worn today would seem decidedly and deliberately retro '80s and might get the person accusations of "hipster"!). Patterned shirts were more common, and there was a lot of adaptation of mainstream clothes. There was less inspiration from Medieval or other anachronistic styles, and it was often more a layering of black street-wear customised with studs or band logos in the manner of punk. Despite Goth being associated with all black now, where it crossed over with Punk colours were certainly involved. Trousers were tight and preferably leather, boots were pointy. 

The hair was different; the sleeked back look had not really come in, nor red curls, and certainly not things like cyber dreads and the predominant style was to either bleach or dye black, then crimp and back-comb. Some rather creative styles were done via backcombing, including death-hawks (fluffy mohawks), Jareth-esque styles (see 'Labyrinth' staring David Bowie to see what I mean) and big fluffy Siouxsie Sioux styles or more deliberately unkempt Robert Smith styles. The makeup for women was heavily influenced by the likes of Siouxsie, with an ancient Egyptian element and straight eyebrows and lots of heavy black, sometimes accented with colours.  

Me with a Romantic Goth skirt and black foofy hair.

I identify as a Romantic Goth. I know and acknowledge the '80s Goth and it is my musical preference (and does impact on my fashion as I have foofy hair on some occasions, and Siouxsie make-up on regular occasions) but that is not personally how I like to dress. I prefer the lace and funereal elegance, the anachronism and the decadence of the Romantic Goth style. However much I adore female Goth icons like Siouxsie Sioux or Patricia Morrison, I would rather dress in a way that pleases me than emulate their style. That said, I adore pointy boots and want some rather nice ones from Pennangalan that come with very pointy toes and pentacle buckles. Pointy boots have a definite place in Romantic Goth fashion. 

Goth now is a much broader thing, part art movement, part subculture. I don't like those who try and put "rules" on Goth, trying to keep it like the Goth of the teenagers and young adults of the early '80s experienced it at that time.  Goth has always been a place for individualists, after all, and self-expression has always been one of the few tenets that binds this amorphic group of black-clad people. That said, there is still certainly a place for the fashion of the '80s goths, and '80s Goth music is certainly not dead (maybe it is undead?) and I hear at least some Sisters of Mercy, Bauhaus, Joy Division and (yes, I'm mentioning her again...) Siouxsie at every Goth night I go to, even if there's EBM & Industrial or even Marilyn Manson being played too. 

The new influences do not dilute the subculture, they prevent ideological inbreeding - imagine Goth like a group of wild animal; if it stayed within its own gene-pool it would become inbred and sickly rather than reinforced, but if it mingles and breeds with compatible groups, it grows stronger. It is like that with the creative influences of Goth - Goth is not a purebred show-dog which inherits genetic weaknesses along with its genetic 'purity', it is a mongrel from the city, bred to survive and feed off the dark parts of the world. Members of the Goth subculture overlap with other subcultures, especially other ones with a musical core, as few people like only one single genre of music, for example, my love of Celtic and folk music does not cancel out my adoration of Andrew Eldritch's dark crooning and or the bilingual madness of Asylum Party. 

Goth has also grown out from its musical roots, but those roots run deep and keep the many more modern branches aloft (more nature metaphors...) Even manifestations such as Cyber, that cross with Industrial and seem to hold little relation to the original Goth subculture of the '80s do look back to their roots - for example French Synthpop/EBM/Bodypop band Celluloide did a cover of the Dead Can Dance song "In The Power We Trust The Love Advocated" and it was actually quite danceable. The new variations do not exist at the exclusion of the older ones, and it is possible for them to peaceably co-exist. 

I really do not like the inter-scene snobbery - people looking down on Metal, Lolita, Industrial, etc. on the grounds that it is not Goth - they're separate subcultures, even if they have strong links with the Goth subculture now, so what is there to be snobby about? It is just a difference, it is not an inferiority, and just because one person does not like it does not mean that there is nothing inherently worthwhile about it for the people who do like it. I also do not like the snobbery towards people who have a strong interest in two or more subcultures or are from a hybrid subculture - for example Cybergoths, the subcultural inspiration for whom is part Goth, part fetish, part Cyber and part Rave - or for people who predominantly have an interest in one particular subculture, but also a partial interest in another - for example someone who is mostly interested in Goth but also likes Metal on occasions. 

While it is perfectly acceptable to be of the opinion that not all changes in the Goth subculture are to your taste, and to believe that it has changed nearly beyond recognition (it has certainly changed a lot over the decades) it is not acceptable to ridicule others, in person or on the internet, for not seeing Goth the same way you do. Goth has no doctrine, no rules and no ideology. While there are those who appear to be fruits that fell far from the tree and do all sorts of things with little relation to original subculture and call it Goth, and those who simply misapply the term in ignorance (especially in terms of music genre), and these people can be annoying, treating others with cruelty and mockery does nothing to remedy the problem. Living your own Goth life to the fullest and living as an example of what you think Goth should be at least may have a positive influence, and if you feel compelled to "correct" or "educate" people, at least do so in a polite, positive and encouraging manner - those lessons are more likely to stay learnt, anyway. 

It is cliched advice, but be the change you want to see in the world. If you think there needs to be more Batcave-era music at your local Goth club, request songs you like instead of bitching about the fact that the things you like are never played, but be aware that other patrons will have other tastes, and that the music is ultimately up to the DJ. If you think too few people go out with backcombed hair, wear yours up backcombed at the weekend with pride or post about how to back-comb on your blog so that newbies can be educated. It is important the roots of the subculture are not forgotten, but is also important to allow others to make their own corner within - and outside - the subculture without mockery and snobbery.