University, Life and Questions

Hello dear readers! I know I haven't been posting much recently, and I wish to apologise. At the end of last year, I applied to university to study Architectural Technology, and last month I had my interview. Overall, the interview was positive, but because I am entering as a mature student and did not do all of the required subjects at school and college (they weren't even an option where I studied!) I am now having to work very hard to put together a digital technical drawing portfolio to prove I can do what is necessary to keep up with the course. This has to be my priority, so please be understanding that between now and May (when I have a second interview, present my portfolio and take an exam) that I will be extremely busy and not posting much on this blog. I really, really hope I get in; all my long-term readers will know I have a real passion for architecture (that leaks over into everything else I do) and now that I have a proper opportunity to study, I really hope that I can take it. 

In the meanwhile, please note that I am still accumulating material to post over the summer, and making the first motions of some travel plans for the summer, and plans for blog content. I am also always happy to answer questions (just note that there might be a delay in my answering comments and questions) and while my blog is partly here to communicate my experience as a Romantic, Goth, Witch and alternative person, I think it is very important that I am helpful and informative. I like helping less experienced Goths who are just getting started, I like helping other Goths who are just looking for resources, and I like helping non-Goths to learn about what Goth is really like. I recently got an e-mail from a student who was doing a project involving writing about Goth, and I was really happy to be asked, and shared not just what I'd written, but lots of links and other resources (books, there's plenty of good books!). I will help with what I can help with, but I will also be upfront if I don't know the answer to something. 

<mini rant> I get a bit annoyed with bloggers who get angry when people ask them reasonable questions; if you put yourself out there and share your experiences via a publicly viewable blog accessible to anyone with access to a search engine, you do not get to control your audience and have it only of people who know as much as you. If you want to control your audience, use something like LiveJournal and have only certain people you select able to see your blog. With any blog, there will be people who want to know more, and people who will ask you questions, even if your blog is primarily an online diary. It is not only polite to respond kindly, even if it is with "I am sorry, but I do not know the answer" or "I am not the best person to ask; please refer to <insert resource here>  as they may be able to help you better", but being rude alienates people who are clearly interested in your field/subculture/topic/etc. and makes you look like a bad person, and the community associated with whatever you are blogging about look bad, like they are cold and unwelcoming people, as people tend to generalise based on the first people of a group they have significant interaction with.  One could argue that in typed conversation online, where there is no tone of voice, no physical proximity, and only emoticons and gifs to display the nuances of facial expression and body language, that it is even more important to be clear and polite in your communications. </mini rant>. 

Politeness and Goth Part 3: Advice On Being Goth In Public

Having bored everyone at length with the last two posts, I am going to try and keep this one short. Here are 5 recommendations I make to Goths, especially the very young ones, for behaving courteously in public.

1. Be polite to customer service staff of all sorts, from baristas to the person at the till in the supermarket, and treat merchandise in shops with respect. Be courteous to other patrons of establishments and do not be loud, obnoxious or behave in a way that can put off other patrons. If you behave nicely, it makes it far more likely that those who run these shops, cafes and restaurants, etc. are welcoming to Goth clientele. I've heard of Goths being asked to leave by places who think that they will frighten off other customers, or of them being tailed by security staff, and while this is usually based off nothing but assumption and pre-judgement, it is not at all helpful to act in a way that will actually upset both the staff and patrons. 
   
   
   An aside: Having worked several years in retail, I've noticed that most places that are trying to sell you something are fairly happy to have buyers, and as long as you are buying their products, not stealing or breaking anything, and not putting others off from buying their products, or harassing their staff, they are quite happy for you to be there, even if you look 'weird'. Of course, there are some people who are prejudiced, but those who are unwelcoming and hostile to Goths are thankfully the minority.  


2. If you are gathering in large groups - especially if you are young and therefore somewhere public like the town square or a local park is the only sensible option for larger gatherings - be respectful of those around you; try not to swear loudly or in front of children, take your rubbish away with you, and please don't try and "scare the normal people". Also, be aware that others can find large groups of people inherently intimidating (regardless of whether that group is black-clad and spooky or not), so make sure your group does not dominate a path, or somewhere where people are walking through a lot. If you want to run around and be loud and active, that's perfectly fine, just find an open space like some grassy parkland. If you are in a park, please remember that younger children may want to use swings and play equipment so do not monopolise them. Plenty of parks now have shelters and benches for teenagers and young adults to congregate at, and also larger scale play equipment so that younger children need not have competition for swings, etc.  


3. Mind your manners - "please", "thank you" and "excuse me" (or their equivalent in your native language) all help create a positive image,  and cost nothing but air and fractions of seconds. Say thank-you to bus drivers, greet people politely, and otherwise be considerate. This is the sort of small thing that we tend to need to make an extra effort to remember in order to help make it clear that we are not dangerous, mean and evil individuals, or all sullen, depressing and gloomy, or snobby and cliquish, or whatever flavour of negative stereotype is currently more pervasive. 


4. If people ask you sincere questions, especially questions that are oft repeated such as "are you a Goth?" and "is that a costume?" and "what is Goth?" then respond politely. If you have time, then answer briefly, if, for one reason or another, you don't want to answer at that moment, then make a polite apology. Do not respond rudely, do not be overly sarcastic; it is better we educate people and inform them than give them a negative experience with Goth. I have seen this happen in real life and over the internet, and responding politely always works best. If you do have time to respond, try and be brief, accurate and avoid phrasing things in ways that might frighten the asker; remember that most people have a rather opposite reaction to the macabre to ours. 


5. Be yourself; don't try and act all dark and scary for other Goths (most of us think it's quite pretentious and somewhere between silly and amusing) or to try and project a specific image, and don't try too hard to be exceedingly nice and perky to everyone either, as people are often just as suspicious of obviously forced niceness. 

Politeness and Goth Part 2: When Others Are Rude

This is a continuation of yesterday's post.

As Goths, we sadly receive a lot of negative and unwanted attention if we are visibly so in public, and  also sometimes from those we live, work and study with. The topics of how to deal with bullying at school, family that do not understand, and unpleasantness from co-workers have already been addressed by others in great depth; I thoroughly recommend reading the advice given at Gothic Charm School.  Here I am giving advice on not countering rudeness with rudeness. In life I have found that in the end, you are stooping to their level and it is better to take the higher ground, but rather than asking you take my word for that, I feel like I ought to elaborate. 

Firstly, there are those who shout abuse at Goths in public. Please do NOT shout and swear at strangers who make rude comments in the street. It is understandable to be angry if (or sadly, and more likely, "when") you get street harassment for being Goth, but retaliation does not help, and remember that once you react, people like that will try and provoke further reaction. Also, if you react and get involved in some kind of argument, there's the risk of it escalating. My advice is to walk on, don't even turn to look at them, and get yourself to a safer place. It is usually teenagers and young men (but also young women, just a higher percentage are male) in groups who do this, and their motivation is to show off to their friends, and to get some kind of reaction from who they harass, and they will generally be rude to anyone that has anything about them that distinguishes them. 

Yes, their words and sentiments are wrong, yes you may feel that you ought to stand up for yourself and your subculture, but your words will not discourage them, or change their minds, and in reacting to them, you are giving them what they want; a spectacle. If they are particularly aggressive, report antisocial behaviour to the police. In my experience, the police in the UK tend to respond actually remarkably sensibly without much victim blaming to these incidents, especially since the work of the Sophie Lancaster Foundation to work with police on the matter of street harassment for those in alternative subcultures. 

Remember that whatever they say is designed to provoke and upset the person they are harassing, and therefore do not dwell on their words and try not to let them trouble you. I have years of practice at this, so to me mean words have pretty much no impact, mostly because I know that I am doing no wrong, but they are.  It takes a while to become impervious to those who try and make a mockery, and some people never do, but even if you are upset, try not to let them see it has affected you. 

Do not try and scare people.

I think that deliberately setting out to scare and shock people is unkind, and really not a productive use of time, even with - no, especially - with people who have a problem with your Goth self. It can be so tempting to indulge in deliberate theatrics when faced with people who think you are a Devil-worshipping vampire-witch, but it is ultimately unproductive, and can sometimes be very counter-productive. 

An examples of this from my life:

When I was young and naive about the world, I tried feeding the rumours already being spread about me being a witch as a strategy to scare off the bullies at school, but then it back-fired when adults around me either thought this as confirmation that I was indeed an evil witch, or thought that I was a delusional attention seeker and other such things that caused me far more trouble than the bullies, and it did not stop the bullying; learn from my mistakes - I've heard of other babybats attempting that sort of thing, and it rarely ever works. I am pretty ashamed of how I behaved, and how stupid I was thinking it might work, but if it means that other people don't make the same mistakes, I am willing to share what I did publicly. 

I also don't think it is sensible to counter intolerance and prejudice by deliberately being defiantly as  Gothic and different as possible. I have myself been very tempted to employ this tactic against someone who spent much time during my teenage years trying to get me to be 'normal' by badgering me, ranting at me, complaining to others in my life, etc. and all to no avail as I am inherently different and changing me simply isn't possible.  While showing to that sort of person that there is no way you are going to change and that you are proud to be who you are is satisfying, there is no point emphatically making a big and conspicuous display of it; simply carry on as you are and ignore them as you still make your point without trying to provoke. Antagonising them in return will not achieve anything, but will only further entrench their beliefs, as people tend to become stubborn and defensive if they feel they are being openly challenged. It can be hard to walk away, and it is understandable to become angry, defensive and defiant yourself, but if reasoning with them calmly does not work, then other tactics will not either; you cannot force someone to realise or admit that they are wrong. 

I will be posting again tomorrow with more Goth advice, and later this week I will post about my adventures this weekend past.

If you have specific question, you can contact me privately by my Domesticated Goth e-mail address at: 

domesticatedgoth[symbole arrobase]gmail[point]com or by messaging the ::Domesticated Goth page:: on FaceBook

Politeness And Goth Part 1: Why Be Polite?

In many ways, I feel like I shouldn't have to write this, and that everyone should be polite and well-mannered anyway, but the world doesn't work like that, sadly. A lot of rudeness gets directed at us Goths by people who are prejudiced, judgemental, and ignorant of who we are, but sometimes we Goths don't act politely either. 

I know that Goth, as an offshoot of Punk, has its roots in a subculture that used profanity, rudeness and shock tactics as means of political and societal protest, but Goth was a departure from Punk, and most of us are not engaged in a countercultural protest, in fact quite a few of us, myself included, are quite keen to point that our dress and lifestyle is not an act of deliberate rebellion, that we aren't trying to be some sort of non-conformists, or acting like this for any kind of audience or attention, but rather that we are just have a different set of tastes and values than the mainstream. 

Anyway, when wider society has a negative opinion of us anyway, confirming that opinion by acting rudely does not really shock; it is far more unsettling for us to be pleasant, nice people because then that forces them to confront that their pre-conception was wrong, and depending on what sort of framework of notions about the world that this pre-conception rested on, forces them to confront to some degree the under-pinning ideas. Jillian Venters of the amazing ::Gothic Charm School:: calls this concept 'subversion by politeness' and it was reading her articles that gave me something to coalesce my own ideas about this topic. 

If you go out dressed visibly Goth, then people will, on some level, see you as representative of the subculture as a whole. If they associated Goth-looking (and most mainstream people can only do a best-guess at subcultures from appearance) people with rudeness and anti-social behaviour, then it will reflect badly on the rest of us, even those that are not involved - also, people tend to assume that all local Goths know each other (I very frequently get strangers ask me if I know someone specific because that person is also Goth... I'm pretty well connected to the local subculture, but I don't know every Goth between Fort William and Aberdeen!) and therefore if you do something that upsets people, that can have repercussions on other local Goths, or if over the internet, Goths in general. 

Being a polite can genuinely change people's perceptions of Goths, or at least the individual being polite. A while ago, before I moved to Scotland, I used to frequent a little cafe with Raven. I went there more than he did, because it was where I was living at the time, and he was still living in a different country! Anyway, we'd still go there whenever he came to visit, and I would go there in-between times for take-away hot drinks and rather yummy cakes. Initially the owner was a bit afraid of me; she saw someone who looked spooky, with a coffin-shaped hand-bag (apparently that was particularly spooky) and all the anachronistic fashion I usually wear, but then, because I was always friendly, polite and cheerful, she realised that I wasn't a scary person after all, just a spooky-looking eccentric, and neither was Raven. Raven and I made it a tradition that on the last day of his visits to me, we would go there for afternoon tea, complete with cakes, etc. and with regular custom began to build something of a rapport with the staff. I think this is part of why people like Jillian Venters of Gothic Charm School and I want to encourage good manners so much; when people assume the worst of you on sight, you have make it very obvious that the worst isn't true, and it can change people's minds about old assumptions. 

If it is likely that people assume the worst, then you have to put in a bit of extra effort into making the good parts of your personality shine through, because people's prejudices can blind them. I am not suggesting being fake, only that it is important to take into account how others around you will react, and to consider what will be the most beneficial course of action to all involved. 

"Is that your REAL hair?"

Probably. 
Probably not.  How do you define real?

This is a question that I'm pretty sure that most people with hair out of the ordinary get this question at least once. From what I hear, people with natural hair different from the majority around them get this problem too. I get it quite a bit, partly because I do actually wear wigs quite a bit, and because I currently have emerald green hair. 

I have worn my hair as my natural hair, un-dyed and only marginally styled. Sometimes I have dyed and heavily styled real hair. Sometimes I have hair-extensions, so some of my hair is my own hair and some of it is synthetic or someone else's. Sometimes - quite often, actually - I wear a wig. I can totally understand the curiosity behind this, because often my hair is rather elaborate, unnaturally or unusually coloured or styled, and tell-tale signs like the hair-line and crown and such can be disguised by whatever ornaments and head-dresses I might have in my hair.

I personally feel that "Is that your REAL hair" is usually an appropriate question to ask if you are approaching out of genuine curiosity, not a mentality of "let us examine the freak-show"; the latter is something I find to be hugely judgemental and very rude. I know some people find these sorts of questions a bit rude in that they feel that it is not any of the asker's business, especially (but not only) those who want their unnatural hair to pass as natural hair. Personally, I quite like displaying the artifice of my outfits and styling because I'm proud of the skill and creativity that I have put it into it. 

If I am wearing a wig, and say so, please don't be offended if you ask to see my real hair and decline. I might be wearing a wig because I'm having a bad hair day, I might think my real hair does not match my outfit, or I might just not want to go through the fuss of putting my wig back on because taking it on and off properly means taking off my hair-ornaments, wig, wig-cap and and unpinning my real hair, and putting it back on means re-doing all of that and quite probably re-styling the wig and ornaments. While I understand the curiosity, I feel that it is perfectly within my rights to just not want to show it.

Please do not touch my hair, or anyone else's without asking - this so very rude! I cannot see why anyone would find it appropriate to touch a stranger without asking. Quite a few people will probably say that you can't touch their hair, but some of us are OK with it. I will let friends and acquaintances touch or poke my clothes, textured nails or hair, but even then I am not very keen on people that aren't Raven, my sister, or my hair-dresser/manicurist touching me. Some of the more extroverted people may well allow you to touch their hair.

Someone has actually cut off a thick lock of my silver wig while I was on a bus. I was very angry indeed about this, as they just damaged my property. First of all, good quality wigs with nice soft fibres - either human or quality synthetic fibres - are rather expensive. Secondly, it was a substantial enough amount to show the wig-cap underneath, and I have had to sew in more wefts of hair to try and patch the gap - which has cost my money for the replacement hair and time spent sewing. Most of all, though, SOMEONE HAD SCISSORS OR A SHARP IMPLEMENT NEAR MY HEAD ON MOVING PUBLIC TRANSPORT, but I didn't even know about it until I got home and took off my wig and saw the damage. 

Questions such as "how do you get your hair like that!" or "what kind of dyes do you use" are perfectly acceptable questions, as they are for the most part genuine interest (and the person asking might be wanting to do their hair like that themselves) and as such, if I have the time, and am not hugely in a hurry, I will usually explain.

For the most part, while I do sometimes feel that I am not there to satisfy someone's idle curiosity, at least I am interesting enough to spark it, and while I do not revel in the attention that I get, and often do wish that I didn't garner quite so much of it, I accept that as someone out of the ordinary, people will notice and will ask questions. Human curiosity is a good thing, and answering questions (carefully) helps foster understanding - I would much rather field the questions of the idly curious than the insults of the idly judgemental. 

Confidence And Being Visibly Alternative In Public

I am more confident in my full Romantic Goth gear than I would be in jeans & t-shirt. 

I actually feel really uncomfortable when I'm not dressed Goth; I feel like I am wearing the costume of being somebody else. I am certainly comfortable with being alternative in public, even as obviously so as to wear long skirts, corsets, frock-coats and wigs in town.

I have seen several video and read several articles about this sort of thing, and here is my take on it.

I dress for only myself, and wear what I think is beautiful, and my tastes in clothes are far more layered, detailed, extravagant and anachronistic than most people's, and this to me is too eclectic to be formal-wear, even if the materials (like the jacquard and lace) are often thought of as too luxurious for everyday wear. For formal wear, I would wear either a dress, or a matching set.

The trick to being confident is realising that you are the ultimate judge of your own beauty, not some random stranger. You don't know the strangers by default of definition - you can't know the motivations for a passing comment; they could be complimenting you, but really think what your wearing is hideous (perfect example of this in the film 'Mean Girls') and be insulting you despite actually liking what you wear because they want to show off to their friends (<sarcasm> because insulting strangers really demonstrates how macho you are! </sarcasm>) so there's no point in taking stead in their opinions; although I think genuine compliments are fairly easily identified, and most people who make mean comments about Halloween or vampires or just shout "GOTH!" or whatever at us in the streets are doing so for the sake of being mean (because they are insecure, afraid of anything different, want to show off to the rest of their group, want to get attention etc.). Yes, some people just don't like the Goth (or other subcultural) aesthetic, but they generally don't feel the need to be publicly rude to a stranger about it, but on the other side of that, those who like your outfit may not want to publicly complement you.

Diamonds, clubs and the Ace of Hearts
Phone-cam selfie.

The only people you should listen to about your appearance are those who genuinely want to help you with it, for example friends and family and even then, you are allowed to disagree with them. My Dad is accepting of me being Goth, but actually prefers it when I wear black trousers, Doc Martens or New Rocks, a black turtle-neck, studded cuffs, etc. because he prefers a more practical aesthetic and thinks my "frilly stuff" is too busy for his tastes. I happen to disagree, and continue to wear frills when they won't get in the way. (See ::this:: post for my more practical aesthetic). Of course, sometimes friends will have a valid point and will try and broach any fashion advice politely. It's a tricky subject, and a tact minefield.

The second trick is being comfortable with your own appearance. If you feel pretty and feel comfortable, others will be more relaxed about it. The more self-conscious you are, the more you will subconsciously project that. If you really like your own appearance, then your own self-belief will shine through and you will carry yourself better and look pretty. 

If, when I look in the mirror before I go out, I look just how I want to, then I am confident to wear it in public. If something doesn't look quite right, then I will either try it and see (perhaps later in the day I will like it) if it is something minor, or simply change whatever it is that doesn't work. My reference point is my own aesthetic taste, and yes, that is inspired by other things I have seen, as nobody is truly original (only innovative). My tastes are influenced by photographs I've seen of other Goths, and people into Aristocrat, New Romantic, Lolita and other fashions, as well as high-fashion garments, costuming for stage and screen productions, works of art, historical fashions, works of fantasy etc. 

An important thing is being able to distinguish art from reality - high-concept fashion shoots are art, an inspiration, not a reflection of real life, and even a lot of other photographs have been improved with the aid of a computer, even if it is only to tweak the lighting, colour-balance, contrast, etc. and models tend to try and pose in flattering ways. Nobody looks like a perfect photograph all the time, not even professional models. Some people are highly photogenic, but even they have their 'derpy' moments and their off-days. 

I pay attention to the small details; for example having makeup-swirls that compliment the designs on my clothes, keeping strictly to a limited colour palette, carefully coordinating glove length to sleeve length and hosiery to skirt/trousers and making sure that the shoes and handbag compliment each other. I am picky about which jewellery I am wearing, which hair accessories, how I have styled my hair, and my wig. Once I know I have every small detail just how I like them, I feel pretty - but I am a perfectionist, and not everyone cares about that level of detail. Personally, I feel that it is an important part of being stylish and well coordinated, but some people revel in the deliberately clashing, or wear things that don't go simply because one of the items is of too much sentimental value to take off, or it just simply is not their priority.

If such ways of paying attention to detail make you feel more confident in your appearance, then do them, but don't agonise too much, though - you shouldn't end feeling like you just can't get close enough to perfection to go out, however many times you re-tie your bows, whatever necklace you wear, however many times you re-do your makeup, or whatever you do your hair or whatever. Remember, nobody is perfect, and it isn't perfection you should be aiming at. If you see a photograph that looks perfect, chances are it is a) a studio set up and b) a digitally altered image - and if you get too flawless, it can actually be uncanny and inhuman (which is fine if you want to look like a living doll, a vampire or a robot, but not so good if that is not your thing). Also, some of my prettiest outfits have come together out of whatever wasn't in the laundry. Sometimes over-planning can make me, and therefore probably others, look fussy and too much like I'm in a costume or going to a specific event or in a costume.

Also remember that really fancy wardrobes take time to assemble; I mentioned this in ::this:: previous post. Sometimes it can be a while before you have a whole outfit to wear - just be patient, keep saving/sewing/thrifting, and you will have all the parts. It doesn't mean you look ugly without the whole outfit, just that you haven't got what you want yet. Of course, some things just don't work without the rest matching; for example a fancy Victorian blouse can look a bit out of place with ordinary skirts and trousers, but  if you buy things in stages you can look quite nice, and gradually become more ornate/unusual.

If you are wanting to wear something particularly fancy out (like corsets, petticoats under skirts, hooped skirts, really high platform boots, trailing skirts, wigs, fancy headdresses, etc.) then wear them at home first; some of these things are going to feel strange, perhaps slightly uncomfortable, when you first wear them, and you will, with some, need to adapt to moving slightly differently because of restricted movement, altered balance, or increased size (large skirts catching on things, knocking things over, catching antlers or headdresses on door-frames, being taller in really high boots, etc.). Until you feel 'naturalised' and comfortable in those garments. If you are doing something that radically alters your appearance, then it might take some time for you to get used to your own new appearance! This has happened when I have had radically different hair-cuts or bought wigs; re-framing my face can make it look so different that I hardly recognise myself. Again, getting used to yourself looking different in your own home can help build confidence for wearing it outside.

Once you are used to wearing things at home, wearing unusual clothes with other eccentrically dressed people can be a good stepping point. Some people are never confident to be the only unusually dressed person. I am confident enough to be different in public but on my own, yet I still feel more comfortable when there's at least one more Gothy or frilly type person with me. You might actually stand out more as a group, but you are also not having to take all the attention on your own.

Most of all, remember that there is nothing immoral about choosing to go outside looking different. There IS something immoral about trying to make others feel bad.

Yes, you WILL garner attention if you look very differently, and some people will want to ask curious questions or even photographs. If you are too busy to answer, stop for photographs, or suchlike, you are allowed to politely decline. If people are rude to you, more than likely they are looking to get a reaction, either out of some kind of sadism or because they want attention; just don't give that to them. If you are upset (and sometimes even I get upset when people are rude, especially if I am having a bad day anyway) don't show it to them. Go somewhere else, somewhere you feel comfortable, talk to someone about the negative experience (I personally rant to my other Gothy friends, who have had similar experiences), and do something that cheers you up (for me, I like sitting quietly somewhere green, so I will go sit in the park, or the meadow, or take a walk in the woods if I am really upset about anything.). 

Also, if you get a proper compliment (at least one that's not obviously a backhanded insult, sarcastic, or a patronising attempt to humour you - yes, I'm a suspicious person.), take note of it. I get more compliments than insults. It's a really nice feeling to get a genuine (or at least hopefully genuine compliment) from a stranger, and sometimes I get more lengthy positive interactions based initially on my outfits. Personally, if another alternative type compliments me, I am especially happy, because I think it is more likely that they're genuinely being nice or curious and less likely to be treating me like an interactive zoo animal, and because I like getting a compliment from people who share my tastes to some degree; I feel that it means I am doing a good job of working within that style.

With more neutral responses, I notice that sometimes people stare and do more discrete things like mutter to their friends, but as I can't tell whether that is positive or negative, and isn't really impacting on me, I ignore it. I am also not the best at reading people unless I am paying very good attention to them, and still have trouble even then, so I am also oblivious to a lot of more subtle and private reactions.

The public reaction to you will be different depending on the local demographics. Since I moved to Scotland, my compliment to insult ratio has been pretty good - I get a lot more people telling me I look nice, especially older people! I think because I prefer an anachronistic style that is inspired by funereal elegance rather than a punky style with ripped fishnets and revealing clothes (although I do wear those on occasion) that older women of a more conservative background like what I am wearing as it is feminine, modest, elegant, detailed, etc. If I am wearing fishnets and platform boots and a really short skirt or hotpants, with lots of spikes, I generally get more advances from men (and sometimes women), but fewer compliments that aren't the opening to flirtation. Oddly enough, when I have been in major cities in southern English cities, the number of insults (usually from gangs of teenage boys, young men and drunks) was much higher than the number of compliments, despite Goths being far more prevalent. There are some places where it can be downright dangerous to stand out too much, and especially to wear certain clothes - take care in areas you know to be less than safe, and tone it down if you have to. Yes, bad things can happen anywhere, but some places do harbour greater risks than others.

Lastly, in the case of extended interaction, some people have certain prejudices about various subcultures - I am talking about "Goth girls are easy sluts" and "Goths are all Satanists and devil-worshippers" and "Goths are suicidal or homicidal lunatics" and "Goths think they are vampires" other misinformed and dangerous rubbish. If you join a subculture and wear that subculture's signifiers in public, be aware that there are prejudices, and people may act on them. Try to politely correct misinformation, don't play into the negative stereotypes, and generally, be polite and sensible. Sadly, there will be times when even if you are the nicest person, others will react badly on the grounds of things they think they know about 'your kind'. That sort of thing is highly situational, but read through the experiences of others, sites like Gothic Charm School, and try to handle things in as calm and rational a manner as possible, but I know that this can be hard when people are being really horrible and irrational to you. 

Generally though, if you are a polite and sensible person, people will judge you on your actions rather than your appearances, although they may still be a tad nervous and scrutinise you more closely. Often, if you give a good impression and are polite and friendly, they will realise that their misgivings were unfounded.

Basically, there are four main points to being confident in alternative clothes in public: 
✯You are the ultimate judge of whether or not you look nice, not others. 

✯If you feel comfortable in your clothes, you will come over better. Get used to things in your own space if you need to first. 

✯Reactions vary between places - a good indication of how they are more about the person reacting than the person being reacted to!

✯There is nothing immoral or wrong about different. 

Go out there beautiful! Wear whatever you want to wear - whether you want to be a Sweet Lolita or the darkest Goth, do it. Sometimes confidence takes time to build, but it is worth it.

Clubbing Etiquette

Hints and Tips To Make Clubbing More Enjoyable For Everyone

I was re-reading old Gothic Charm school posts, and this is inspired by a couple of posts by The Lady of The Manners (The wonderful Jillian Venters) which can be read ::here:: (contains swears), ::here:: and ::here::. I've taken my own spin on this, and decided to mention a few other points based on my own experience of life in Goth club-land.

Photograph from Alternative X in the Karma Lounge, Inverness.
Raven and I. I think him being a cyber/industrial type has been mentioned.
Photograph by Sammi from Karma Lounge in Inverness. 

Do not bitch about how club nights never play music you like, instead do something positive about it and make requests, or politely enter the music discussions that often exist on the web pages for club nights. If they play things you do like, mention it, and if they play something you like and you don't know what it was, check the playlist afterwards - you can find some interesting bands that way. When making requests, remember that you are supposed to request and not demand, and do be polite to the DJ. Also, keep a note of what has already been played and remember the musical theme of the night. E.g Goth night is not metal night, and Goth night is also not back-to-back Bauhaus night. (yes, I am on something of a Bauhaus kick at the moment.). It is often easier to make a written request than to try and shout over the music and noise of the club, and sometimes there are request lists on a clipboard or similar. 

If you want to request things at the DJ booth, first of all plan a route to it that is not

a) directly across the dance floor, especially if there's lots of dry-ice and/or strobing as people dancing may not be able to see or hear where you are and you could get accidentally hit or bumped into  (also, remember to either finish your drink or leave it guarded if you want to venture anywhere near the dance-floor)

or

b) stumbling through cabling, speakers, or anything else to do with the sound system. Accidentally unplug things, or dare I say, it spill drinks on electrical things at your own peril. I will not save you if the DJ or club-owner feeds you to the Rivetheads for breaking their things through your carelessness.

Tip the bar staff, be polite to them, and order clearly. Remember that clubs are loud places and that getting your drink right involves them having to understand what you ordered - there is a difference between "an Amaretto, and a coke" and "an Amaretto & coke", something I did not enunciate clearly enough in a club once - I will not blame the bar staff for what was me not being clear enough in a crowded and loud environment. If it is an honest mistake, do not get shirty with the staff, although I admit I have only seen already-drunk 'tourists' do this, not the alternative regulars of any Goth night I have attended. 

In the Karma Lounge with fan after much dancing.
Alternative X club night.
Photograph by Sammi from Karma Lounge

Try and keep an eye on where other dancers are. I admit I have terrible spacial awareness and have flailed into other club patrons before, and therefore try to keep to the fringes of the dance floor or open spaces where there is less chance of me hitting someone. Alcohol impairs co-ordination, so try to take this into account as the night progresses and give yourself extra room as you go on. I know that's not easy because alcohol also impairs good sense! 

If people are buying you drinks, do buy them drinks in return. Do not raise the hopes of people looking to chat you up just to get free drinks - it is generally unkind, and also can be potentially dangerous as there are incidents of dosed drinks (thankfully not at any club I've been to) and of people reacting nastily to being 'led on' (also not something I have personally encountered). Make it clear you are not interested in sex or romance if you are not, and remember there is nothing wrong with making new friends instead of finding a new partner (romantic, sexual, or otherwise), and nothing wrong with turning people away. If people keep trying to chat you up despite you making it clear that you do not want to be chatted up, or even in their company, tell them directly, and then leave the situation and tell someone (e.g club security). It is not 'causing a scene' to do so.

Do not monopolise the bathrooms. If your makeup, hair, outfit or wig needs adjusting, stand out of the way of people using the sinks to wash their hands after using the toilets. Queue politely. It does not take four people for one person to use the facilities - socialise on the club floor, not in the bathroom. If you need space outside of the club for a bit, consider standing outside for a bit (factoring in weather, concentration of smokers, etc.) rather than standing in the bathroom. A lot of clubs have quite small bathrooms and they can get very crowded very quickly. 

Read what the Lady of the Manners had to say about it over 10 years ago, and remember that it still applies now. Think about how your behaviour at the club impacts on others' enjoyment of the evening. Generally, be considerate.

Photographs by Sammi from the Karma Lounge, used with permission. 

Feminism and Anti-Trans Sentiment

After a certain rant published in the Observer, there has been a flare-up of what is seen to be an animosity between transwomen and feminists (as if these two groups can be lumped into two monolithic rivals...), stemming from outright transphobic sentiment from feminists. I'd like to start with saying that I see people as individuals, and judging them on gender expression is pretty much never going to be something that I do. I judge people on whether or not they are nice to others, and that's about it. 

Feminism was supposed to be about creating a world in which men and women were truly equal, and while there have certainly been an improvement in many societies, the world is still not an equal place, not even in countries where women are legally equals, and therefore our battles are not done. Part of what feminism has fought for is seeing women as people, and not pigeonholing them by their genitals, so it seems exceedingly hypocritical when people who call themselves feminists go around pigeonholing others according to their genitals. 

To the feminists who are quite a way outside stereotypical gendered behaviour:

On this blog I often write about stereotypically "feminine" things like dresses and makeup, fashion, etc. These are only some of my interests, and a lot more of my interests are things that are traditionally "masculine", and I know very well what it is like to be mocked, bullied, and ostracised by other women for not being girly enough, and treated badly by men for the same 'reason', and I know what it's like to have abuse hurled at me in the street for not presenting as "feminine" enough for the standards of lowlife drunks. 

{It was only a few days ago that I had "Oi! Mosher! F**k off you lesbo dyke, f**k off out of town, we don't want your kind, you aren't even f**king FEMALE" shouted at me by a gang of yobs in the town centre because I happen to prefer combat trousers, army boots, a trench-coat and a short hair-style to the short skirts, high heels, and long blonde-hair worn by many party-goers that January Friday night. I was also still listening when the same yobs shouted lewd sexual comments at the girls in heels and short skirts...}

I know that it hurts when you're on the receiving end of the prejudice against those who do not conform to gender stereotypes, but the existence of transgender people does not somehow confirm these insults to be right, and it is not another attempt to say that you, as a non-stereotypical woman, ought to go become a man, because women aren't supposed to be like that. It is the way some others want to lives, and it is not an attack against yours. 

To feminists in general:

If someone born in a biologically male-sexed body has surgery or uses other means to alter that body into one with female appearance, and live life as a woman, then they are going to receive a lot of the nasty inequalities aimed at women, as well as the prejudices that exist against transgender people. I can see why they'd want to join in with the feminist cause. Actually, I can see why any logical thinking person would want join in with the feminist cause; because anyone with any shred of empathy would realise that a world in which half the population are treated differently and as inferior to the other half is wrong. On a lot of feminist issues, whether someone is cis-gendered or trans-gendered should only really matter to their doctors and has no impact on the debate. Yes, there are certain health issues that can only affect cis-gendered women, and that things like reproductive rights issues are going to be particularly important to women who can get pregnant, but to outcast transgendered women from feminism because of this is equal to saying that cis-gendered women who have had hysterectomies, or are sterile, or whatever, cannot partake in feminism. 

Spend less time arguing about who does and does not get to be a feminist, and spend more time making the world a fairer place. Being mean to somebody else is not doing anything helpful to make others not be mean to you; this is playground stuff, I shouldn't have to explain it outside of work.

Oh, and never, ever get into the whole 'suffering Olympics' of trying to rank each other's woes and out-woe each other. Everyone's experiences are unique, and the amount of negativity they will get for being a certain minority will vary due to various factors. Really, this sort of behaviour is just pointless attempts at point-scoring. 

Traditional Goth, Modern Goth and Scene Snobbery

Goth was a very different thing in the '80s. I wasn't a goth back then, and I wasn't even born yet for a lot of the '80s. What I can remember is vague - some things are clear, like footage on television of the Berlin Wall coming down and this being somehow Very Important even if I didn't understand why at the time - but most of what memories I do have are very vague.  I have been interested in the early days of the subculture for a long while, and from what I've learnt, it was a very different beast. Two things stand out: it was called Goth by outsiders, the media, etc. not necessarily by the people within, and it was primarily about the music. 

The fashion was rather different too, partly because Goth-specific off-the-rack clothes didn't exist and partly because a lot of inspiration came from what the bands wore, and what the bands wore was sometimes stuff that wouldn't be called 'Goth' at all today (and if it was worn today would seem decidedly and deliberately retro '80s and might get the person accusations of "hipster"!). Patterned shirts were more common, and there was a lot of adaptation of mainstream clothes. There was less inspiration from Medieval or other anachronistic styles, and it was often more a layering of black street-wear customised with studs or band logos in the manner of punk. Despite Goth being associated with all black now, where it crossed over with Punk colours were certainly involved. Trousers were tight and preferably leather, boots were pointy. 

The hair was different; the sleeked back look had not really come in, nor red curls, and certainly not things like cyber dreads and the predominant style was to either bleach or dye black, then crimp and back-comb. Some rather creative styles were done via backcombing, including death-hawks (fluffy mohawks), Jareth-esque styles (see 'Labyrinth' staring David Bowie to see what I mean) and big fluffy Siouxsie Sioux styles or more deliberately unkempt Robert Smith styles. The makeup for women was heavily influenced by the likes of Siouxsie, with an ancient Egyptian element and straight eyebrows and lots of heavy black, sometimes accented with colours.  

Me with a Romantic Goth skirt and black foofy hair.

I identify as a Romantic Goth. I know and acknowledge the '80s Goth and it is my musical preference (and does impact on my fashion as I have foofy hair on some occasions, and Siouxsie make-up on regular occasions) but that is not personally how I like to dress. I prefer the lace and funereal elegance, the anachronism and the decadence of the Romantic Goth style. However much I adore female Goth icons like Siouxsie Sioux or Patricia Morrison, I would rather dress in a way that pleases me than emulate their style. That said, I adore pointy boots and want some rather nice ones from Pennangalan that come with very pointy toes and pentacle buckles. Pointy boots have a definite place in Romantic Goth fashion. 

Goth now is a much broader thing, part art movement, part subculture. I don't like those who try and put "rules" on Goth, trying to keep it like the Goth of the teenagers and young adults of the early '80s experienced it at that time.  Goth has always been a place for individualists, after all, and self-expression has always been one of the few tenets that binds this amorphic group of black-clad people. That said, there is still certainly a place for the fashion of the '80s goths, and '80s Goth music is certainly not dead (maybe it is undead?) and I hear at least some Sisters of Mercy, Bauhaus, Joy Division and (yes, I'm mentioning her again...) Siouxsie at every Goth night I go to, even if there's EBM & Industrial or even Marilyn Manson being played too. 

The new influences do not dilute the subculture, they prevent ideological inbreeding - imagine Goth like a group of wild animal; if it stayed within its own gene-pool it would become inbred and sickly rather than reinforced, but if it mingles and breeds with compatible groups, it grows stronger. It is like that with the creative influences of Goth - Goth is not a purebred show-dog which inherits genetic weaknesses along with its genetic 'purity', it is a mongrel from the city, bred to survive and feed off the dark parts of the world. Members of the Goth subculture overlap with other subcultures, especially other ones with a musical core, as few people like only one single genre of music, for example, my love of Celtic and folk music does not cancel out my adoration of Andrew Eldritch's dark crooning and or the bilingual madness of Asylum Party. 

Goth has also grown out from its musical roots, but those roots run deep and keep the many more modern branches aloft (more nature metaphors...) Even manifestations such as Cyber, that cross with Industrial and seem to hold little relation to the original Goth subculture of the '80s do look back to their roots - for example French Synthpop/EBM/Bodypop band Celluloide did a cover of the Dead Can Dance song "In The Power We Trust The Love Advocated" and it was actually quite danceable. The new variations do not exist at the exclusion of the older ones, and it is possible for them to peaceably co-exist. 

I really do not like the inter-scene snobbery - people looking down on Metal, Lolita, Industrial, etc. on the grounds that it is not Goth - they're separate subcultures, even if they have strong links with the Goth subculture now, so what is there to be snobby about? It is just a difference, it is not an inferiority, and just because one person does not like it does not mean that there is nothing inherently worthwhile about it for the people who do like it. I also do not like the snobbery towards people who have a strong interest in two or more subcultures or are from a hybrid subculture - for example Cybergoths, the subcultural inspiration for whom is part Goth, part fetish, part Cyber and part Rave - or for people who predominantly have an interest in one particular subculture, but also a partial interest in another - for example someone who is mostly interested in Goth but also likes Metal on occasions. 

While it is perfectly acceptable to be of the opinion that not all changes in the Goth subculture are to your taste, and to believe that it has changed nearly beyond recognition (it has certainly changed a lot over the decades) it is not acceptable to ridicule others, in person or on the internet, for not seeing Goth the same way you do. Goth has no doctrine, no rules and no ideology. While there are those who appear to be fruits that fell far from the tree and do all sorts of things with little relation to original subculture and call it Goth, and those who simply misapply the term in ignorance (especially in terms of music genre), and these people can be annoying, treating others with cruelty and mockery does nothing to remedy the problem. Living your own Goth life to the fullest and living as an example of what you think Goth should be at least may have a positive influence, and if you feel compelled to "correct" or "educate" people, at least do so in a polite, positive and encouraging manner - those lessons are more likely to stay learnt, anyway. 

It is cliched advice, but be the change you want to see in the world. If you think there needs to be more Batcave-era music at your local Goth club, request songs you like instead of bitching about the fact that the things you like are never played, but be aware that other patrons will have other tastes, and that the music is ultimately up to the DJ. If you think too few people go out with backcombed hair, wear yours up backcombed at the weekend with pride or post about how to back-comb on your blog so that newbies can be educated. It is important the roots of the subculture are not forgotten, but is also important to allow others to make their own corner within - and outside - the subculture without mockery and snobbery.